Jerky’s World

Year 1 Issue 1

 

It was an early morning start, just a couple of weeks ago, when I received the email from the boys at ATV Scene.com. It was a scene from an old Humphrey Bogart movie. Humph sitting in his office sipping on the first Jo’ cruising through the fifty or so daily emails that he gets every morning. As the emails get deleted in disgust, he finds that one that pulls him from his chair spewing Jo’ onto the monitor. Gasp! The calling of a lifetime, my very own column — or maybe just an outlet to let everyone hear me bitch and moan. I’ll go with the chance of a lifetime for now. The instructions were pretty basic, “Do what you want but make it off the wall good stuff that people will laugh at and ponder until the next issue.” I understood, and agreed, loud and clear. I happily took on the job and vow to make this new column fun, entertaining and also informative. I’ll interview the obvious and the not so obvious, from high profile racers, industry big wigs, track workers, to plane old waitresses and maybe stewardesses that we come in contact with. Add a spice of Jerky flair, some creative pictures and who knows maybe I’ll steal some of Cindy’s successful thunder.

Who’s Jerky?
I myself am a two-wheel racer by blood but found a love for four wheelers this past year. Wrenching for Pro rider #7 Ben Jackson this past year was quite a treat. Where else could I ride the best of the best equipment and then get off and tell my rider to wash and wax it…reality check! It was actually the other way around, but it was more like — “I just threw the transmission through the left side case of my practice bike, AGAIN, can you fix it Scott?”

It was great to get the feel of a TT bike on the high banks of Shinnston, until I ended up on my head and Sam Jackson’s 480EX following suit behind me. Laugh now but check out the photo in ATV Sport’s highlights from that race — you guessed it — the rookie made it in a magazine! Keep chuckling fat boy, but that little high speed tuck thing that I had going on was copied over from a very fast YZF rider. Huh! Then you have to respect the stunt rider performance that I had going on at Loretta Lynn’s in the Plus 25 class. (Special props to my boys Kenny and Nicky Dehner and of course, Benny Jack, for the 4-wheeler and the gear.) I had more names on me than a Chinese phone book and my form was styled after those legend riders on three wheelers. It was classic! Not only was the ride well orchestrated, but the holeshot was to die for! Who would have thought that I could line up on the furthest gate from the inside and end up in third in the first turn! I could hear Dustin Shuler in the stands yelling, “Who the hell is that crazy son of a bitch, wait that must be Jerky!” After stealing the show with all those freaky-freestyle tricks, I had to go back and get Benny’s stuff ready for another Sunday moto. In actual reality people, it was a total goon ride with sick form and stupid hold your breath one-handed panic revs, and of course droopy arm slop and many missed shifts. I thought for sure that I was ready for the Pro class like some other hooligan that weekend.

That brings me to the point of you four wheeled hippies that love to splash through the mud and never take their machines out of gear when they get off of them. I discovered it wasn’t just my rider, it was everyone that rides one of those silly machines. You guys bitch about getting muddy but never remember the fact that you shaved off three hundred dollars worth of plastic earlier in the season. When it comes to making multiple lines on a track you insist on following the guy in front of you like a slot car. Even in practice when you know you need to make the track passable by running in the whole track, you guys slip into single file – what give? Just once I want to see someone totally square off the guy in front of them and park them like an old Cadillac Cimeron. (Has to be the worst car ever made – a Cavalier with leather). I did see some classic chrome horns being blown in the first turn this year that would make a grown man cringe. I think Muddy Creek was the best except for the fact that T. Farr was tumbling like a slinky down the first straight.

I will give credit to the boys wicking it up in the Division 4 freestyle contests. Creech monster was stealing the show until the silent wonder Tavis (yes people T A V I S – I didn’t forget the ‘R’) Cain stepped up to the plate in Orrville with some awesome stuff. What a special moment in seeing Dana’s ass go flying by me in mid air in Orrville, OH. Somehow I don’t think that Gillette is going to step up to the plate for corporate help with shaving that thing. You can only imagine the commercial…Dana and a flying moon and then relaxing for a nice ass shaving. All the while smiling and holding the Gillette razor up for the camera! Just picking DC – you da man! While were on it possible commercials, I would like to thank the nice officer for ticketing me while drinking a much disserved cold beer at Orriville after a hard day of wrenchin’. At least the prick could have let me finish my nice Coors Light. Yeah of coarse, 5.000 people there, 6 get busted, and I’m one of them. It cost me $67 and half of a beer. Can you guys see a pattern with this corporate sponsor commercial stuff already? What a great commercial for Coors — Sucking down the silver bullet like there’s no tomorrow, while the cop is beating you with his billy-club to let go of it. Then smiling in victory for not letting any Coors go to waste, all the while the pissed off cop cuffs and stuffs you. Now don’t judge me as a total ragging alky, I just like a nice cold one after a long day of turning wrenches.

The best thing that came out of this season was the experience and the friends, especially bald guys from New Jersey. Everyone at the track is your friend and you just can’t give that up. If parts are needed or if someone is trying to get there bike ready for the next round, someone is always there to help. I have never seen the kind of genuine love for friends like I have at ATV races. Where else can you be cussing out your rival on one hand and then helping him out in a crisis to get his machine ready to race the next moto. So, as far as all you ATVers are concerned, I’m impressed! And damn proud of one of you now! I’ll stick up for you guys when dirt bikers stereotype ATV’s as couch riders, bowls of mush with handlebars, hillbilly wagons, woods warrior, Kentucky Cadillacs, etc. etc.

 

Jerky — pullin’ chics
Enough of the introduction, let’s get to the meat of this column. Off the wall? You bet! Let me set the scene:
Chilling at a BW3’s at Bowling Green State University in NW Ohio, I started to think about the column while sipping a nice Coors Light….ding ding ding! (Why haven’t they called me yet – OK then c-mon, I won’t be in the commercials – but they should at least let me write them). Anyway, this school is known for the power to weight ratio like that of a Yamaha Raptor piloted by a horse jockey. What I mean is that BGSU has a girl to guy ratio of about 3:1. Excellent! What a great place to start with my soon to be world famous interviews. I’ll make these two young ladies stars! Plus, maybe I can help some of our male readers with the art of scamming a chic at a bar. – Well, maybe not this time… Anyway, here are our two unsuspecting prospects:

Jerky: What kind of sports are turn-ons for women?
Laura: Wrestling. Like WWF.
Theresa: A turn on for women or men? I would have to say baseball because of the pants that those guys wear. Too sexy!

Jerky: What do you guys know of ATV’s?
Theresa: Laura be careful this guy might have a weirdo disease. I think I know what an ATV is. It’s a transvestite!
Laura: It’s a four wheeler, Tear. Don’t be stupid.

Jerky: What does ATV stand for?
Theresa: A Television? I don’t know.
Laura: Automatic? Wait, I know its All-Terrain-Vehicle!

Jerky: What does TT stand for?
Laura: I have no idea ..Maybe Theresa! Theresa!
Theresa: Not me, The Theresa that she is referring to is a girl that lives across our hall that stuffs a D size chest into an A size bra. Her latest guy seems to like to scream her name in ecstasy.

Jerky: Ahh… You happen to have her number? (No response)
Jerky: Can I give my number to you to give to her? (No response)

Jerky: Have you ever seen a motocross or TT race?
Laura: No, but I have seen that stuff on the Gravity Games. Those guys are crazy hanging off of those things like that.
Theresa: No, maybe someday.

Jerky: Who is Travis Spader?
Laura: I don’t know but he sounds like he might be a hottie!
Theresa: Who?

Jerky: What do you think Travis Spader is famous for?
Laura: Porno?
Theresa: Is he a transvestite?

I later filled these delightful girls in on the scoop of the 2000 champ and his Duncan Racing machine wrenched by the ever famous Paul Turner, another guy whacked on pixy sticks like me.

Jerky: What do think of his performance this year?
Laura: Is he single?
Theresa: I don’t give a shit what he does.

We continue with some talk on cool actors on TV and their collection of movies.

Jerky: So, you have a good selection of films, any of you that I can have? Or maybe we could make some of our own?
Laura: No you can’t have any of my movies. Do you have that Spader dudes number?
Theresa: She’s a slut ya know.

Jerky: You know he is a transvestite afterall. You and I would be much better together. What do you say?
Laura: No thanks.

Back to the subject, what do you two think of the government trying to take away all of our riding area?
Laura: Dude, we’ll kick their ass!
Theresa: I don’t care. I’m not even registered to vote!

Jerky: I have a friend of mine that you would die for. His name is John Pellan. He can make you two famous?
Laura: Nah, give me Spader’s number.
Theresa: Whatever.

Parting Shot
The value of pit board signals cannot be underestimated.

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